Figure 1: Definitive evidence that Regis Philbin is both evil and immortal.

But seriously folks, this man could quite possible rival Regis. Have a look at the following (realistic) artist rendering:

Figure 2: Gabriel a.k.a. “The angel of death” in his true form.

Now you may have noticed that I labeled this as “in his true form.” You see, only young children and animals can see him like this. He sways and charms the children with his magical afro but animals cannot be tempted. Hence the reason for his hatred of animals. But the world will soon be rid of one of these two at least. You see, they’re can only be one. They’re probably going to face off in some sort of highlander-esque immortal battle. After 700 billion dollars (hmmmm… where did that funding come from?) and many years of sitting around the room drinking coffee and playing Halo, our scientists have teamed up with our graphical artists to present the most realistic interpretation of what this battle may look like.

Figure 3: The immortal battle of true evilosity. Philbin’s horns are bigger because he’s been evil longer.

You’ll have to stay tuned to donaldonwhatmatters to see who will win this eternal battle of evilness. Why? Because we outbid you losers and won the rights to broadcast the event. That’s why.

Dude fails because he has standards and his douchebag friends are trying to lock down anything they can get.

Seriously, I’m 23 years old and it seems like half my friends are getting married or have already done so. And most of them are my age or younger. What the crap is the rush? Seriously, we’re young and have plenty of time to worry about marriage and all that soft stuff later. If someone is worth marrying, then they should still be worth it in 5-10 years. If not, you have no business marrying them to begin with. I feel like half the people I know just do it to lock someone down. If your self-esteem is that low then you need to go see a counselor you emo douchebag.

We’ve barely had a chance to establish ourselves as adults and develop lives of our own at this age. Some people are still living off mommy and daddy’s dime and arguably aren’t even real adults yet. So what makes them think they have the mental and social maturity to start their own family when they can’t even stand on their own two feet yet? There’s a reason the divorce rate in this country is 50%. It’s because douchebags are getting married in shallow attempts to find someone else to help support them since mommy and daddy aren’t there anymore. If you can’t be a stable, productive, functional member of society on your own then you don’t deserve to get married. You should be shipped off to China and fed tainted milk.

On a similar note, why the crap is everyone pregnant these days? A friend and I were at Wal-Mart (I know it’s evil, I don’t care) the other night and there must have been at least six different chicks who were preggo. Here’s a little piece of advice douchebags: If you’re going to be douches and get married before you can grow a full beard, don’t have babies. Seriously, that’s not the mandatory next step. Give it a few years so that your marriage has time to fall apart and you are left wallowing in your own stupidity. Spare the child a life of divorced parents who hate each other. If by some chance magical fairy penguins fly down from Canada and consecrate your marriage with everlasting moose blessings, then go ahead and start your family. But doing so before you know for sure that things are going to work out is completely irresponsible. Of course, that’s what I would expect from young douchebags who have spent their entire lives counting on mommy and daddy to bail them out.

On a more positive note, I am really happy for all my friends (and all you internet creeps reading this) who have found someone they really care about and who makes them happy. I’m not hating on them at all. I hope to find that soon myself (well, been there done that, but hope it actually works out for once). I just have a lot of standards and I refuse to lower them for anyone. I’m one of the best catches out there so if any woman wants a piece of this she will have to seriously step up her game. I mean I’m not even arrogant or conceited. J Anyhow, this is just aimed at all the douchebags who are using marriages and kids as crutches to help them escape their crappy single lives. Grow up, cut the umbilical cord, and deal with your life.

Well, let me share a story about my past with you. This is the story of a time long ago. A time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods… Wait, sorry. Sometimes I forget that Hercules and I are actually different people (I know, I know, easy mistake). So a few months ago I graduated and began looking for a job. I was allowed to keep my job at the university until June 30^th (end of the fiscal year). About halfway through June I still hadn’t found anything in this crappy economy so I started to look for alternative funding. I had recently read a post from a user on a forum I frequented showing the actual check he received for completing surveys from the website CashCrate.com Needless to say, I was desperate enough to give it a shot. Everyone laughed at me, convinced I was wasting my time, but I completed several surveys anyhow. After about a week of this (I only did a few per day) I finally got hired on at the archaeology lab so I no longer needed to do the surveys. Well, to the dismay of all the naysayers, I received a check. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Here’s the picture:

Check from CashCrate.com

Unless you have a lot of time on your hands you’re probably not going to be able to retire off this stuff but for a few extra dollars each month I think it’s well worth it. Just use a spam email account when you register for things and you are good to go. There are a lot that pay for just registering with them and many others actually make you take surveys but they’re pretty simple and straight forward. Give it a try here.

Figure 1: The Modern Hillbilly Family

Alright, seriously, if you haven’t figured it out the above paragraph was simply a spoof of ignorant people from wannabe cities. In a world full of racial (and cultural) stereotypes people from Appalachia (or Appalachian Americans) are often overlooked. Why? Because they are white. One of the great privileges that comes along with being white is that you are the target of hatred from hundreds of millions of people simply because you share skin color with some terrible people (but racism is for another blog). But Appalachians can, and usually do, differ greatly from standard “white” culture. Nevertheless, the stereotypes and slanted generalizations they are subject to are seen as acceptable simply because they are not a recognized minority. But I would argue that Appalachians are a distinct cultural group who have experienced oppression and marginalization similar to that endured by racial and ethnic minorities such as the African, Native and Mexican Americans. Now, I know I’m going to take a lot of flak for that one, but here’s a little Appalachian History to help support my opinion.

In terms of modern Appalachian culture the obvious place to begin is the late 1800s, a time when large-scale extractive logging and coal mining by English-owned companies left little behind for them but poverty, convalescing clear cuts, and strip-mined landscapes. In the early days of mining, the companies did not pay miners in cash, but in a private currency known as “scrip.” Scrip could only be used at the company store which usually priced food and supplies at least fifty percent higher than that of private stores. The mines also owned all the surrounding land and houses, which allowed them to charge miners exorbitant rental rates. Any dissent, such as union strikes or pickets, was immediately quashed. Coal companies hired thugs to intimidate both miners and outsiders who might bring attention to exploitation that bordered on slavery. Union members’ houses were raided by dozens of machine-gun-carrying deputies and the miners were beaten and murdered. Trucks carrying food to starving miners were blown up, relief workers were arrested on false charges, and reporters were beaten and forced to leave town. For centuries politicians displayed prejudice towards Appalachians, making comments like “[They are] the lowest scum and rabble…” “the vilest tricking and cheating… people into whose heads no means can beat the notion of a public interest or persuade to live like men,” and “the laziest two legged animals that walk erect on the face of the Earth. Even their motions are slow, and their speech a sickening drawl… a natural stupidity or dullness of intellect that almost surpasses belief,” (Heilman, 2004).

Although Appalachians are considered ‘white Americans,’ such statements reek of racist social Darwinism. The centuries-old stereotype that anyone with an Appalachian accent possesses a “natural stupidity,” is still perpetuated by the media. Television shows like “Beverly Hillbillies”, “Green Acres,” and “Hee Haw” have been described as the most intensive effort ever exerted by a nation to belittle, demean and otherwise destroy a minority people within its boundaries. Appalachians are statistically one of the most exploited and marginalized groups in America. Appalachia is like a third-world country where those who control local government end up with all of the wealth and see to it that those with no power are segregated, marginalized, and ignored. Its social institutions just don’t work and democracy doesn’t have a chance.

Many would argue that such disparities are class and geographical issues, rather than a result of minority discrimination. However, not only do Appalachians come from historically marginalized ethnic groups, but they are also part of a markedly different culture than the ‘average’ American. They have their own music, history, art, tradition, literature, dialect, religious beliefs, and ideas of ecology, justice, education and health. Appalachians in general experience unique and different ways of life than most Americans.

Appalachian generalizations are rampant throughout the country, but they are particularly bad in their home states. Take Kentucky for example. Here, we have two “real cities” in the whole state and a few large towns. I put “cities” in quotations because Lexington and Louisville are not cities. They’re like the Chihuahuas who think they are big dogs but are in fact tiny little girly rats who yelp too much. People in these cities suffer the consequences of being slapped with the Hillbilly stereotype because they live in Kentucky. As a result, they lash out at those of us who are actually from Appalachia in an attempt to distance themselves from us and help to further perpetuate these stereotypes. If you asked someone from Louisville what a couple guys from eastern Kentucky look like they would hand you this:

Figure 2: Louisville Artist Rendering of Appalachian Men

But here are the facts folks: Appalachian Americans are among the most educated and well-cultured people in the country. They’ve suffered so long from the “dumb and ignorant” stereotype that the community focus has shifted to fighting this terrible typecast. Children are encouraged to be involved in every extra-curricular activity they can possibly fit in and are often shunned when they are not a part of something. They’re academic teams rival and often destroy those from urban areas in the state. My high school Forensics (Speech) Team (from a school with less than 600 people) not only demolished everyone at state, but we went on to win at Nationals (three years in a row). Standardized test scores are at an all-time high and students are strongly encouraged to attend the best University they can possibly get in to/afford.

I’ve been working on this for over two days now and I’m getting tired of it so here’s what I’m basically saying: Appalachians are a completely different culture and as such should not be considered to be part of the mainstream “White American” culture. They deserve as much respect and equality as any other minority group and everyone should do their part to help rid the country of the “Hillbilly” stereotype. The end.

But anyhow, I digress. This blog is more of a complaint about my job. You see, during my undergrad I “managed” a computer lab. I was around computers day in and day out. It was a great job and all, but computers were not my focus. My degree is in archaeology. So when I graduated and landed a job at the University’s archaeological research lab I was thrilled that I was going to get to use my degree and actually get paid to excavate cool archaeological sites.

Fast Forward three months… The economy is worse than ever and there are very few projects for us to work on. In fact, we haven’t had any project in over a month now. So where’s Donald you ask? I’ve become the lab “tech guy.” Every time a computer breaks I have to come fix it. I’ve spent the past few weeks scavenging old Pentium 3 machines that we have around the lab and trying to build something useful out of them while surplusing the rest. Five years and $25,000 dollars worth of specialized study and training and I’ve ended up doing the same thing I did before.

I just wish someone would step up and fix the mess our country is in so that I can get back to playing in the dirt and actually using my degree.